I haven’t been around for quite awhile. Life became hectic and I honestly didn’t feel like writing. But due to recent events, I need a place to write and I feel more comfortable here. I have decided to go through with the divorce, I have silently been dealing with my husbands online cheating for years. I am no longer heart-broken or angry, I just wish to move on with my life. The only concern I have is getting my dog back, but he is going to fight me for her. On top of everything else, my Aunt has cancer. I am going back home in January.
So the last week and a half I have been getting ready to move across country, let me tell you the stress is crazy. My husband and I are doing okay I guess….I mean..it is what it is. Maybe one day we will figure our shit out. So last night which would be day time in the states, I found out about Chester Bennington, now I have known about Linkin Park since they came out.
I have always loved them, I have always loved Chester, his life story was very similar to mine and I always connected with that. I battle depression so much and I can’t even explain to someone what it is like…the closest thing is drowning. You literally feel like you’re drowning in your own mind. It kills me to know it got the best of him, I’ve been there so many times, I’ve wanted to do it. People will call him selfish, a coward, but I’ve been there. He just wanted the thoughts to stop, he wanted the pain to just shut off. We will never know truly why he did it, we will never know those thoughts in his mind. But fuck another music legend is gone because of depression, a man who I looked up too for so long…is gone. A band that has gotten me through so much now is torn apart and probably will never be again, today I wish the world and the people within it were better. We all could be better..for eachother..and for ourselves.
Oh wow, have I been absent! I am so sorry about that..or am I? Do I have any followers? Anyways, I have been busy socializing and not working on my marriage, kind of hard to do when the other person makes you feel bad all the time. Now my school revoked my financial aid because my GPA dropped so hard last semester. Ugh, I love being an adult, I love doing adult things, my husband is constantly bringing me down. I feel awful saying that, I do love him, but I am not an immature person. I do not like drama, I don’t like tantrums just because someone opened a door wrong ( like really?)
I have worked hard to improve how people see me and how I see myself. It isn’t always on me to brighten someones day, why can’t someone brighten my day? I love making people smile, but who makes me smile? I am so glad we go back to the states in a couple weeks. I will write more tomorrow.
I have beautiful pictures of Elba Island! I will post them tomorrow!
I am finally settled in my home ( kind of). My husband was so depressed when we were on our break, he never cleaned. But he IS helping me clean now. He hasn’t complained about anything at all yet. We both seem to be much more at ease with one another. I still feel a little weird, like I should be over the moon and I am not. I am comfortable and I know that is never reason enough to stay, but I am hoping once things settle we will be better.
Italy is always beautiful this time of year, it is warm, but not too warm. My dog was so happy to see me and I was so happy to see her. She really has come around in the last week, she knows I am home now and has been cuddling non-stop.
I hope everyone is doing well, I will write more in a couple days. We have so many bills to catch up on that internet isn’t the main concern right now.
I want to be that happy girl that is bubbly all the time, but I am not. I lose myself in books and I lose myself in music. I find a lot of comfort in sadness and I always have. My life has never been the easier and those that should understand don’t. I find myself getting yelled at for being insecure, by people that are supposed to love me, I find myself not being reassured in the right ways. And I have to wonder if it is me or them? I want that true love that everyone wants. I love my husband dearly, I do. I just feel like he doesn’t understand me in ways I wish he would.
Another thing that bothers me is we have been apart for 6 months and today we fought. He didn’t say sorry, he acted like he was justified in a fight about something trivial. He almost never admits he’s wrong when he does it’s after I am so done with it. I really am trying to be the best wife I can, but unless it changes it isn’t going to work.
I leave tomorrow and I am really nervous about our future. He can’t stop being petty and I am no saint, but I really do try. I am looking forward to being with friends again and hopefully, everything else will fall into place. I have so many dreams about my life and where I want it to go, but I can’t do it with someone who doesn’t understand.
Hope the next blog is happier one.
I haven’t really had a blog to myself in awhile. Not one where I come to simply get my feelings out or post about things I like. Platforms like Tumblr have changed and it is not somewhere I feel anyone listens. I am not sure if this will be much different. Anyways, my life has changed in so many ways this past year, some good, some bad. I tried to take it all as a learning experience, but I feel as if I am still failing at something. The college has been a horror show, but I am hoping to finally get it together next semester. I got accepted into my dream school and failed all but one class. My mind is a complete disaster, after this summer I am hoping to feel better. My life IS becoming better, just trying to keep the faith alive.
I am flying off on my first adventure of the summer this Monday. I am returning to Italy, with my husband. We will be embarking on a new way of life soon a better one. We vowed to be better than we have been and I am hoping we can accomplish that. Neither one of us deserves to be unhappy anymore. Everyone should remember your mental health is important and never forget that, even if those around you do.
So I guess this is my first blog post. And hello, call me Ash. I hope you come to find my writing and like it. I love to write and I am always trying to be better, even if I never have actually written anything worth reading.